no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
