If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
