I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
