I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
