why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
