The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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