textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
