Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
