I puked a lego.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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