Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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