She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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