hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
