I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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