Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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