We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
