Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
