How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
