you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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