My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
