Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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