I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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