:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
