they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
