She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
