y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
