Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
