why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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