you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
