just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
