You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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