I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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