If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Who died my cat blue again?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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