I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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