When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
