They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
