And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
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