i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
