im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
