he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
