I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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