How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
