she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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