she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
