Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
ttyl tear gas
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Randomize
