I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
