oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
