I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
