Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
