you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
