Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
