1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
